A.
Don’t Do For Them What They Can Do For Themselves
1.
Background
One of the earliest bits of advice we received about working
with members I will never forget--we were told never to do for members what
they could do for themselves. This
counsel was given to us before we had really gotten started in Blantyre, and
has been shared informally with us on several later occasions. This advice came from other senior
missionaries, and where they got it from, I am not certain—perhaps from their
own experience, perhaps from other senior missionaries, and perhaps from others. If
taken literally, the advice makes little sense—if members can take care of
themselves, there is no reason to suspect they will either ask for help or
expect it. But I think most get the idea, even if it is
expressed inartfully---if members are “capable” of taking care of themselves,
even if imperfectly, missionaries should not interfere. Members should try to solve their own
problems and care for their own families, even if missionaries could solve
their problems easier or quicker. It is
not a bad thing for members to struggle or to go without or to face hardships
or to endure delays. The advice I found
to be unsettling, seemingly at odds with one of the major purposes of our
mission. We had come to Malawi
precisely for the purpose of helping local members and didn’t expect to be told
to withhold our support or to run some kind of test to see if members were
deserving of help. It is not how we
would approach giving service in the United States, whether the service is given
gratuitously or provided in response to a request for help. When
there is an apparent need, we come together to help one another.
Yet here the counsel was to be “careful” in how we provided service.
Underlying the advice was the thought
that providing service may hurt rather than help. The advice grew, no doubt, out of what we
have come to think of as one of the major tensions for those working in Malawi
(and perhaps through other parts of Africa).
People in Malawi, including members, often look to others to take care
of their own problems, rather than to be independent, solving problems on their
own, using their own resources. It is
part and parcel with the culture of dependence that has grown up in post-colonial
Africa, the concern being that giving assistance on occasion deepens the
dependence of Malawians rather than helping or empowering them.
Before considering the general soundness of the advice, it
might be best to identify situations in which the advice seems
right-headed. I can think of at least
four situations when it might be best to withhold service and allow members to
fend for themselves or to getting help through the welfare arm of the Church:
first, when it comes to problems primarily solved by the gift or lending of
money;[1] second, when the help needed
relates to matters of church welfare;[2] third, when the one
seeking help has abused the relationship in the past, constantly turning to
others for help, rather than using or developing internal resources that might
be used to provide for self-help; and fourth, when there is a lesson to be
taught. I will not discuss the first
two situations here, since they have been dealt with at length elsewhere.
2.
Unbalance Relationships; Unhealthy or Abusive
Requests for Help
Occasionally, one meets members or has acquaintances, who
constantly look to others for help, without trying to take care of
themselves. They do this because it is
easy or convenient, or they just like to freeload off others, or they have
trouble anticipating problems or planning—always finding themselves coming up
short and not being prepared. They may
even have a perverse desire for the attention that comes from having others
come together to help them, something that may give them a feeling of
self-importance. If they find someone
who is a soft touch, they may call upon that person repeatedly for help. The
kind hearted frequently respond to these requests and may even do so, over and
over again, out of a spirit of generosity.
They give others the benefit of the doubt and take satisfaction in being
of service. But when the service
relationships are not reciprocal—but one sided—those helping may, after a
while, begin to feel abused, thinking that “enough is enough,” resenting the continual
requests for service.
It is worthwhile distinguishing these one-sided
relationships for what we think of as “normal friendships.” Friends help each other out all of the time,
often doing things for others, some of which call for real sacrifice; but these
relationships are sustainable precisely because they are reciprocal. Each helps the other; and as long as the
give and take is roughly balanced, feelings of resentment, bitterness, and
being taken advantage of do not surface.
In fact, it is precisely the mutual service characteristic of friendships
that strengthens such human ties, making them different from the casual
relationships we have with so many others.
Friends helps one another over and over; they rely each other; and, they
have equal, balanced relationships.
3.
When There is a Lesson To Teach
Anyone who has ever tried to teach another a skill or
develop in them discipline knows that the student must at some point do it on
their own. It is not sufficient just
to listen and to watch others. Most
skills can be mastered only through self-repetition—the painful but necessary
process of trial and error. Some students,
after receiving instruction and seeing the desired behavior modelled, are
anxious to try on their own, but others are hesitant, uncomfortable and even
resistant. They require further
prodding. If left to their own devices,
they may even refuse to strike out on their own. So those teaching must be patient—often
giving more and more instruction and providing further modelling; yet at the
end of the day, the fledgling must be forced from the nest.
The keys to effective teaching involve--in constant cycle-- instruction,
modelling behavior, and than self-exercise—repeatd over and over again, with
encouragement from the teacher—until the skill has finally been mastered. Parents understand this process well—it is
how language is taught, how children learn to walk, how the young learn to play
the piano. Indeed, it is the process by
which all skills are passed from one generation to the next. Missionaries follow the same steps when
teaching investigators how to pray—they explain the basic steps of prayer, they
model prayer—showing the investigator how it should be done, and then they
challenge the investigator to pray on their own. Some investigators are ready for the
challenge, others require constant prodding and further instruction before they
can do it on their own.[3]
4.
Other Situations
But there are countless instances when missionaries are
presented with service opportunities not involving requests for money, welfare
per se, curbing abusive relationships or weaning members from dependence so
that they can learn “skills” or lessons.
Sometimes these opportunities arise because members ask for help, but
more often they simply come up because of the difficult or trying or
challenging situations in which our members find themselves. Members need or could use a ride home from
Church when the weather is inclement or when services finish late in the
afternoon, as it is getting dark; members are struggling to understand
precisely what their doctors are saying about an illness; members are
bed-ridden and don’t’ have the money for the medicine prescribed by the local
clinic or have pain medication; members have not visited with extended family
for years even those they just live in a village an hour or two outside of
Blantyre; members don’t know quite how to get started with their home teaching
or how to teach a lesson to the families they visit; members could use help
transporting their furniture from one rental property to another; members don’t
have the money to purchase window frames and glass panes for a new built home
and the rainy season is coming on; members have obvious medical conditions,
perhaps even life-threatening ones, requiring
professional attention, but won’t go to the hospital or a doctor because they
don’t have the money. A relative has
died, but the members don’t know how they can manage to get to the family home
for the funeral services. The planting
season has come, but members don’t have the funds to purchase hybrid maize seed
or commercial fertilizers. A family is
in the midst of building their home, but could use help clearing the lot,
moving bricks, and working on the walls.
Members don’t understand how to prepare to teach a Relief Society or
Primary lesson or, for that matter, why it is even important to get ready in
advance. A recent storm ripped off the
roof of the family home, forcing them to move in with neighbors.
What is important to remember is how we view our
relationships with these members. We have
been in Blantyre for close to 16 months, and many of these members have truly
become truly our friends. They are not
just fellow saints—though they are that as well; they are not just our
spiritual brothers and sisters—though they are that as well. They have welcomed us in their homes; they
have helped us find the homes of other members; they have befriended us, when
we were new and unfamiliar with the area; they have shown us how to mourn with those,
who have lost loved ones or who are sick or who have other reasons to
mourn. They have shared with us their
personal stories and let us into their lives.
They have responded to our many requests for help. They have answered our questions about
Malawi and how Malawians think, feel and respond. They have been unstinting in their kindness
to us—always making us feel good about our Church service; they have gone with
us home teaching and visiting teaching; they have let us help them with their
Church assignments. They have been
great example of virtue, kindness, patience in the face of affliction,
brotherly kindness, long-suffering and faith.
So when service opportunities arise, we are more than willing to help
our members—precisely in the same way we respond to the same opportunities back
home in the United States. Rarely do we
have the feeling that we are “trying to teach a lesson” of discipline, or hard
work, or enterprise, nor have the feeling they are pushing the envelope or
abusing the relationship we have developed with them. We
gladly help, knowing they have helped us in the past and knowing they would do
much the same for others. Of course, we
help each other in different ways, but the relationships are certainly
reciprocal. We don’t ask ourselves whether they could find
“some other way” to manage on their own if we were not there. In fact, we know they could usually find a
“work around” if we weren’t present, but it would likely involve delay,
sacrifice and inconvenience.
5.
Is It Really As Simple As That?
Many missionaries may find the preceding discussion to be
naïve and overly simplistic. They would
likely argue that the principle—you don’t help those who can help themselves—grows
out of the sad experience many missionaries have had in working with
members. They didn’t start with that
principle, but were ultimately forced there.
Given what they see as the pervasiveness of dependence, it doesn’t take much
to tip Africans down the wrong path. If members feel missionaries will help, pretty
soon bad habits form or are reinforced.
They will ask over and over again for help, until finally missionaries
refuse to give further assistance. The
only way to keep things from getting out of hand is to hold fast, however
painful, to the principle of not helping, as long as the member can find some
alternative, however imperfect, to the problem. Members should be expected to care for
themselves and anything that weakens that expectation is ultimately
counter-productive. And it is silly or
naïve to think the problem is avoided simply because a relationship of
friendship forms between missionary and member. Those
who otherwise help find themselves on the proverbial slippery slope—sliding
downward—until they reach the point of regretting they ever helped in the first
place.
6.
The Purposes of Christian Service
As one considers both sides of the conundrum, it is
worthwhile to step back to consider the reasons for providing services to our
neighbors, including members.
Occasionally, it is tempting to oversimplify—those who have needs are
looking for some way to see them satisfied; and those who help have resources
that can, one way or the other, be used to satisfy the need. And while no one would argue this isn’t
part of the equation, it is certainly not the whole story—and when so
simplified, it fails to capture, or give expression, to a number of the other
motivations that animate the missionary’s desire to help others.
Surely missionaries wish to help to solve problems. But missionaries are likewise motivated by
other deeper, powerful sentiments that go far beyond wanting to be a “problem
solver.” Missionaries want to teach
others about the importance of being charitable—charity being at the core of
Christianity. And, as I have mentioned
to Carole often, it is, in my opinion, impossible to teach others charity,
without showing charity to them in the first instance. When the missionary is “charitable,”
members see charity in action and know, first hand, how another’s charity can
touch the heart. It is hard to see how
this principle could be taught if all members see are repeated refusals to be
charitable, justified on the “grounds” that members could take care of
themselves, if only they extended themselves and were not so dependent upon
others.[4]
But as importantly, missionaries want to help others develop
and strength their faith in God and to see, through them, a manifestation of
God’s love for them. Indeed, this may
be the primary motivation of most missionaries—surely those who have gone out
for the purpose of testifying of the truthfulness of the restored gospel. And the primary way in which this is done is
through acts of charity. One hopes
those (the objects of charity) will see the hand of God in the charitable acts
of missionaries, and thereby be drawn to the gospel.[5] This is certainly part of what the Apostle
James has in mind when he says: “What
doth it profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith and have not works?
Can faith save him? If a brother is
sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, And one of you say unto them,
Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not
those things which are needful to the body; what do it profit? Even so faith, if it hath not works, is
dead, being alone. Yea, a man may say,
Thou has faith, and I have works; shew me thy faith without thy works, and I
will shew thee my faith by my works.” [6]
Missionaries are also “charitable” because they have
“charitable” impulses, growing out of their faith in Jesus Christ,
understanding of the gospel plan, and love for others, to which they naturally
wish to give expression. The scriptures speak of faith, hope and
charity.[7] The three concepts are spoken of together
because they are causally linked one to the other. Faith
in Christ gives rise to Godly hope,[8] both in a better life in
here and a better life in the world to come, and faith and hope in turn cause
men to have “charity,” the pure love of Christ,[9] enduring forever, and of
each who possesses it the scriptures say “it shall be well with him.”[10] “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto
the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love,
which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus
Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall
be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we
may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.”[11] Missionaries blessed with such charity have
an overwhelming desire to bless the lives of those who are less fortunate. It is not something they do simply to
fulfill the needs of the less fortunate; it is something they do because of the
love they have for their fellow men, and the gratitude they feel for the blessings
received from their Heavenly Father.
For them, the mantra of only helping those who cannot do it for
themselves is hollow and largely misplaced.
Instead they wish to help everyone they can (recognizing of course the limitations
to their ability and reach).[12]
7.
Saying “No”
More than anything else, missionaries need to enjoy a
portion of the spirit of discernment—knowing when to help and when to say “no”
to requests for help or to hold back when service opportunities seem to present
themselves, whether or not a request for help has been made. Certainly, here in Malawi, where members
and others struggle with the curse of debilitating dependence, occasions arise
when helping inadvertently fosters more dependence, and does more harm than
good, despite whatever good intentions missionaries may have. Just as with children, sometimes hard
lessons must be taught; but also just as with children, one must be careful not
to cross the line, leaving them alone when they should be supported or protected,
vulnerable to serious harm or potentially causing an irreparable breach in the
relationship between parent and child. At least in my experience, members are far more
prone to listen to or accept the advice of missionaries if they believe the missionaries
genuinely care about them.
Think of the well-known stories of “shepherding” we read in
the scriptures, or hear recounted in general conference—almost without
exception they are stories of the shepherd seeking out the lost sheep, going
the extra mile, sharing of their own lack, showing extraordinary compassion and
forgiveness. Rarely are the stories of
“tough” love—withholding charity to teach a lesson or to keep a relationship
from spiraling out of control. Christianity
is rooted in the belief in the transformative power of affirmative, proactive,
forgiving, tolerant, and compassionate “love”—forgiving those who do not
forgive us; loving one’s enemy; doing good to those who hate you; turning one’s
cheek. The world would have one believe
that all such compassion is nothing more than indulgence that, left unchecked,
encourages, invites and stimulates further abusive behavior on the part of
those who would or might take advantage.
But that is not the message of the gospel conveyed to us in the
beatitudes: “Ye have heard that it hath
been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil,
but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other
also. And if any man will sue thee at
the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also. And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile,
go with him twain. Give to him that
asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away. Yet have heard that it hath been said, Thou
shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy.
But I say unto you, Love your
enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for
them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;”[13] The gospel speaks in a different language,
and trusts in the great power and example of “charity,” sufficient to change
the hearts of even the most hardened.[14]
Still I recognize there are occasions when saying “no,” or
staying on the sidelines” or “being tough” is appropriate. But even in those situations, the key is for
the missionary to convey, while saying “no” or withholding “assistance,” true
compassion for the one suffering or struggling. Consider the following advice in the 121st
Section of the Doctrine and Covenants:
“No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the
priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness,
and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and
pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and
without guile—Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy
Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom
thou has reproved, less he esteem thee to be his enemy; That he may know that thy faithfulness is
stronger than the cords of death.”[15] Several points in this passage are worth
noting. First, there are occasions, even
if they seem at odds with what is normally called for by Christian behavior,
when “sharpness” is appropriate. But
one needs to be careful—being sharp is appropriate only “when moved upon by the
Holy Ghost”—it requires a prompting by the Spirit. One
must guard against the impulse of being tough or “reproving” because one is
annoyed, or feels put upon, or irritated by another’s weaknesses. But
the one who reproves is admonished not only to love the one chastened, but to
show forth “afterwards an increase of love”— this that the one reproved might
not consider him to be an enemy. What
is perhaps surprising is the reason given for this “increase of love.” It is not so that the one reproved might
like or be reconciled with the one reproving.
Indeed, it is not about that relationship at all. Instead, it is about “faith”—that the one
reproved might know and recognize the abiding faith of the one who reproves,
and thus not have his faith shaken.
Yet when I withhold service for the purpose of “reproving”
or “instructing” another, I usually feel quite “torn”—on the one hand, feeling
justified in withholding service, owing to the other’s failure to prepare,
laziness, dependence upon others—and on the other hand, feeling my conscience
pricked by not being more generous and kind.
These feelings easily give way to a defensiveness, often leading to abrupt,
dismissive, and sometimes cool behavior.
It is much easier just to dismiss the matter out of hand, than to think
through what exactly the other is feeling or how he or she can find some
solution to the problem. It is as though
it takes too much effort to do so. Moreover, I fear if I allow myself to get
involved, sooner or later I will be swept up in the problem, finding myself
giving the very help I decided not to give in the first place. But this is surely the wrong approach—even if one
decides it is best to force a member to go alone, this does not justify or call
for withdrawal. Instead, we should stay involved—helping
the afflicted to find a solution on their own, in some alternate way, rather than
taking the easy way out—turning a blind eye, and hoping for the best.
[1]
Elsewhere I have shared thoughts about the “money” side of the equation—whether
we should give money and if so under what circumstances. But now I am talking about the proposition
in turns of “service”—not requests for money per se—though even though the
service itself entails the incidental expenditure of money or resources.
[2]
When members need regular assistance, because they cannot survive financially
given present income and resource levels, they should work through the Church’s
welfare system. Missionaries should not
interfere with the operation of the welfare system. See “_____________________.”
[3]
To some extent, this is also the process followed when teaching through
“shadow” leadership.
[4]
Of course what further complicates how members respond is they believe most
missionaries are in a position to help without too much difficulty. So it is not just they don’t help, but it is
they don’t help when helping wouldn’t be a burden to them.
[5]
We have certainly seen this principle in action when working with members in
the Zingwangwa Branch. On a rainy,
blustery day in January 2015, the Zone Leaders, Brother Banda and we worked
tirelessly for over 8 hours, under terrible and dangerous conditions, moving
the Nthenda’s household belongings from their home in Manja, totally destroyed
in the middle of the night, into an unfinished home on property occupied by Sister
Nthenda’s mother, in the village of Chiwembe, a distance of less than four
miles. However that wintery day the
road conditions were so poor, with washed out roads and gullies, and fallen
trees across the roads, it took over an hour to make the drive each way, and
the move involved a number of return trips.
Within two weeks, six women started attending the Zingwangwa Branch,
travelling on foot the 2 hours from Chiwembe Village to the chapel, simply
because they were impressed by the charity the Nthendas received. Enita Tsoka’s mother-in-law was also drawn
to the Church because of the charity and support Enita received from
missionaries and members, as Enita went through the painful ordeal of losing
her 12-year old daughter Angullah. She
joined the Church roughly three months after Angullah’s death.
[6]
James 2: 14-18.
[7]
See 1 Cor. 13 and Moroni 7.
[8]
See Moroni 7: 42: “Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope, for
without faith there cannot be any hope.”
[9]
See 1 Tim. 1: 5: “Now the end of the commandment is charity out of a pure heart
and of a good conscience, and of faith unfeigned.” See also Moroni 7: 47.
[10]
Moroni 7: 47.
[11]
Moroni 7: 48.
[12]
See “You Can’t Help Everyone” supra.
[13]
Matt. 5: 38-44.
[14]
Even the monumental French novel by Victor Hugo, “Les Miserables,” is
predicated upon this theme—where an unexpected act of great charity—where none
is required—transforms the life of Jean Valjean.
[15]
D&C 121: 41-44.
